With all 3 billion College Bowl games over, I think it is a fitting time to produce a list of bowl games I’d like to see in 2008… advertising budgets be damned:
The Smith-Wesson Shootout Bowl: What’s more American than football? The 2nd amendment, of course! That’s why a bowl game sponsored by one of America’s top gun manufactuers would be more than fitting. There could be giveaways, and even a literal shoot out at half time between the two schools’ mascots! Of course, we’d have to get the NRA involved as a minority sponsor and obviously have Charlton Heston sing the national anthem (or flip the coin… your call). It could set off bowl week with a bang!
The Safety Bowl, Sponsored by Trojan: Located in some back yard in the San Fernando Valley, this bowl game would be the pillar of high morality in a time of debauchery. Do you think they could get Men Without Hats to perform at halftime? Free giveaways would be a must, and depending on how well the organizers negotiate, it could be a magnum-sized matchup (this game has national title game potential written all over it)! It would be tough NOT to have USC in this one, but being that most kids in Pasadena venture to the valley at least once or twice during their four years, I think they’d be able to find the game!
The Smokeout Bowl, Sponsored by Phillip-Morris: Well, they can’t promote smoking, but they can promote not smoking (which is kind of a promotion of smoking, but I digress). Free Nicorette gum and patches for all who want one (or who just want a little extra boost), a national anthem sung by Ned from South Park, and each section of the stadium would be its own support group. I see a great tie-in potential here for New Year’s Resolutions, too! And to kick it all off, Joe Camel takes on the Marlboro Man in an XFL-style coin toss!
The Jugg Bowl, Sponsored by Hooters & Hustler: They’ve got what football needs: scantily clad women! Instead of bringing the fans to Hooters, why not have Hooters bring the restaurant to the game? All concession stands serve only Hooters wings (preferably naked, but that’s just me) and all collegiate cheerleaders get outfitted in Hooters apparel. I can hear the fans cheering on Lee Corso (pictured right) as he puts on a Hooters outfit to show his support (instead of a team mascot). Likewise, if you have Hustler as a title sponsor, each college could submit their top 5 females for a face off with one winning the prize of degrading herself with a spread in the magazine!
The Bud Bowl, Sponsored by Budweiser: Wait, we’re not allowed to advertise alcohol to minors? Seriously? That’s a rule that we have to stick to? Are you sure we can’t buy our way through? Because it would be AWESOME! Well… what about renaming the Super Bowl?
The Balco Bowl, Sponsored by Balco Laboratories and George Mitchell: Nicknamed the “upgrade bowl”, this bowl game would pit the two worst teams in the entire BCS (so Duke and someone else) against each other after being injected with steroids for 4 weeks. The results could be fantastic! Just think how good players would be on the juice (granted, they’d have to go back off of it after the season ended, but that’s another topic). It would be like watching Mark McGuire, Mo Vaughn, Andy Pettite, Jason Giambi or Floyd Landis without the guilt of cheating (because, in this case, literally… everyone is doing it)!
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