SportsBlahg

I watched the Target World Challenge last month, and trust me, that was all I needed to watch to get a good meter on the PGA Tour’s future this coming year. As Tiger Woods turns the age referred to as a “golfer’s prime,” here are some predictions on things likely to happen in 2008 (another “Year of the Tiger”):

• Tiger Woods will win 90% of the tournaments he enters. Depending on how many he enters really determines how many he will win. If it’s anything like last year, he’ll only play around a dozen, so he can’t win 15 tourneys. That’s why I’d rather go with a percentage than with a finite figure. 90% means that he will win at least 3 of the four Major tournaments in 2008, something that he’s done before when he’s hot. In fact, there’s no reason to think he won’t hoist all four championships this year.
• Rory Sabbatini will continue to be a whiny little princess. The 11th best player in the world (really? 11th best?) will start 2008 where he finished in 2007. My guess is he realizes his passion for whining and and starts a talk show with Kobe Bryant, Alex Rodriguez, and Donovan McNabb (confusingly called “Whine Tasting” and shot in Napa, CA). Rory will quit the show after just two episodes because he can’t compete with the level of professionalism put forth by his co-hosts. He will also set a new low by not only wearing that plaid jacket again, but he’ll get barred from the MGM Grande for trying to punch one of their tigers.
• Fred Couples will set a new precedent for “Studs on Tour.” In an effort to prove he is still the biggest ladies’ man on tour (and that he is still relevant), Fred will ask women everywhere to throw their panties on the green in an attempt to imitate legendary ladies man, Tom Jones. This should prove to be an advantage for Couples down the stretch, since he won’t be nearly as excited about all those panties as his 25 year-old playing partner. He’ll also warm up exclusively to “Sex Bomb.”
• The PGA Tour will implement Major League Baseball’s “Fake Drug Policy.” While they will claim to have a policy that keeps athletes from juicing, the PGA would be more likely to provide the needles back at the clubhouse. But really, what’s more of a crime: a golfer injecting steroids into themselves, or Nike manufacturing a driver the size of a baby? Who needs juicing when the driver you have is more juiced that you could ever be? Now I know how all of Roger Clemens’ teammates felt: Chuck Knoblauch wants his money back!
• Girls Gone Wild - FBR Open Style! If you’ve ever even watched this tournament on TV, you’re still only getting about 10% of its craziness! The FBR Open is less about the golf, and more about the partying. Perhaps this year, that those classy guys from Girls Gone Wild hit up this event in an effort to diversify their DVD offerings. The best part will be when they mistakenly put Phil Mickelson in the video, before they realize those are man boobs he’s showing the cameras.
• The United States will lose the Ryder Cup again. And in other bold predictions: the sun will rise in the east, President Bush will continue to mispronounce the word “nuclear,” and terrorists will still call the United States “the Great Satan.” At this point, Tiger Woods would have to play every single match for the U.S. to have a chance. Not that he couldn’t do it, but I think Team Europe might have a problem with that. Also, can you name all of the players on Team Europe from the last Ryder Cup? No? That’s because a good number of them are not in the top 30 world rankings (some are not even in the top 50). Regardless, they’ll beat the U.S. again this year, like a Rocky Balboa movie.
• The FedEx Cup is devalued. This will happen when a paparazzi publishes a photo of Tiger using it as a water dish for his dog. When confronted with the evidence, Tiger responds, “Sorry, there wasn’t any room next to my real trophies.” Rory Sabbatini will whine that he’d take better care of the cup (and would’ve kicked the dog for drinking out of it). PETA (and Pamela Anderson) step in to say that it’s okay for dogs to use trophies as water dishes. After all, look at the goons in the NHL who use the Stanley Cup as a spittoon.
• The LPGA starts to catch the PGA in ratings. Okay, this might be a long shot, but hear me out: who wants to watch Tiger Woods beat up on everyone week in and week out? By mid-season, it could get quite boring. Why not watch the Kraft-Nabisco Open, where the winner could be another young Morgan Pressel? The LPGA has gone to great lengths (or rather the opposite) to entice viewers, particularly male viewers, with their apparel. So why not watch some talented, good-looking females compete in a wide open field? In my mind, it’s better than watching a tournament where they’ve already engraved Tiger’s name on the trophy by Friday.
• Someone will actually punch out Johnny Miller. There are few announcers in professional sports that make me truly angry. Sure, Billy Packer and Tim McCarver come to mind immediately. But Johnny Miller is in the same league. He’s angry, he’s mean, and he’s clearly bitter about something (perhaps not making it quite so long on the tour?). Regardless, he brings that all to form when he does commentary for NBC. I pray that NBC does not bring him back this season, before some fan (or player) takes the matter personally. I’d love to see someone beat him bloody for saying something like this about a shot:

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008 at 9:58 pm and is filed under Golf. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.