If the stories of 2007 are written in 2008, then here are some of the best selling books I forsee in 2008:
- “Giselle, 4-rings and porn, three of many reasons why I’m better than you” by Tom Brady: Seriously, the guy is arguably the player of the decade. Sure Michael Jordan won six titles in 10 years, Brady’s still got two more years to match that. And even if he doesn’t, four championships in 10 years is more than ridiculous. Not to mention the guy is impossibly handsome, is dating a smoking hot goddess and gets to play football for a living. Even when he plays football the guy’s jersey gets about as dirty as Jim Sorgi’s jersey gets (or even mine for that matter). Granted, everyone outside of New England hates your guts? But who cares, you get all the porn you want!
- “Strip clubs, more dangerous than HGH”
by Pacman Jones: How many incidents has this guy had in a strip club? You would think he’d avoid them by now, but apparently he just loves covering half-naked sweaty girls with hundred dollar bills. He enjoys it so much, that he can’t possibly stay away from them, regardless of getting reinstated into the NFL. At this point, I’m not sure what is worse for him right now, getting caught at another strip club, or testing positive for steroids (Commissioner Goodell might give him bonus points for creativity). The forward for the book would obviously have to be written by Buffalo Bills defensive end Anthony Hargrove who would argue the counterpoint. - “How to look good, while sucking” by Mike Nolan:
The “sleeper team” of the season, the San Francisco 49ers certainly did just that. An abysmal record despite a quality off-season of free agent signings and excellent draft choices, coach Nolan still looked fantastic. Like a Calvin Klein model on the sidelines Nolan always looked good, even when his team was being led by Trent Dilfer (yes THAT Trent Dilfer). Regardless, Nolan’s good looks a snappy dress have earned him another year leading the niners (it won’t change the fact that he has no first round draft pick however). - “Boy was I wrong” by Tiki Barber: Well Tiki, you had that shit-eating grin on your face back in week 3, now how are you looking? The team “let’s you go” and then makes it to the Super Bowl, so much for your plan of being missed in NYC. Now get back to suffering at the “players” desk with the idiot twins (Collinsworth & Bettis). Make sure to include a chapter on the incessant groveling you no doubt did on Monday morning to Tom Coughlin following the Giants NFC championship win.
“How Cabo cost me Texas” by Jessica Simpson: By this point I’m not even sure if you can FIND a Jessica Simpson album in the entire state of Texas, let alone Dallas. I’m sure the next time miss “newly weds” comes into town she can expect a crowd of about twelve and 100 times that many death threats. Seriously, why would you get involved with a football superstar during the playoffs? Oh wait, because you need attention that you can’t get through your musical “career” or your lame ass tv show (now that your ex has upgraded). Ahhhh it makes SO much more sense now.- “Why I should never talk again” by Anthony Smith: It was a great idea, well, no it wasn’t. It was a great way to motivate his team, well, no it wasn’t. It was a great way to get a lot of positive media attention, well, no it wasn’t. It was a great way to give the Patriots all the necessary aggression to go out and beat my team senseless, yup that’s exactly it! A word to the wise younger defensive players of the NFL. When a team is steam rolling through opponents that are much better than you, don’t make the “bold prediction” that you’re going to beat them up. Because then you go from sounding like Joe Namath, to sounding like Rasheed Wallace (who I think has a guarantee record of 1-5). The best part for Smith would be that it would be mandatory reading for all 1st year NFL players.
- Everybody poops… On girls” by Osi Umenyiora: Well, it’s unfounded now, but come on Osi, just admit to it and write this witty follow up to the beloved children’s book!
There are lots of other crazy people out there that do just as ridiculous a thing as you. Wait, but not as crazy as defecating on another human being? Especially for $3,000 (I hear most girls would do it for less). Let’s say Osi does this 3 times a week (perhaps 4 on game weeks). In 2007 he likely would have spent around $468,000 (that’s probably his bonus check for making the Super Bowl). Call girls of NYC, look out because Poppa Umenyiora’s got a belly full of refried beans and a big enough check to call you “john” for the year.
I’m sure that if any of these NFL stars need help writing their novels, they should look no further than Los Angeles, California. Because with the writer’s strike still in full effect, there are plenty of pompous, self-righteous individuals with no job that could use the money (since let’s be honest, the NFL player’s haven’t written their own work since elementary school).
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