Bummed over the BCS, college football fans? It’s lack of certainty got you down? Do you think there shouldn’t even be a champ, that this year’s bowl season is nothing more than a celebration of mediocrity, wait till you get a load of this week’s update on the state of the bottom of the NFL.
Miami Dolphins (0-12)
The good news: Um, I’m not even going to try.
The bad news: Okay, losing to the Jets is one thing. But 40-13?! In those uniforms?!
Outlook: Looking grim. At this point, the fear of being The Team That Loses To The Dolphins may be too strong, and John Beck and cast of the Offensive Ineptitude All-Stars may be too weak to avoid taking the historic collar.
Atlanta Falcons (3-9)
The good news: Next week, they’re on Monday Night Football!
The bad news: Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser, and Ron Jaworski will probably still be talking about the Ravens-Patriots game.
Outlook: You know it’s bad when Redman is your most effective quarterback. I mean, how the hell is he going to pass the drug tests? Is Method Man going to be the slot receiver? Oh, not that Redman? Chris Redman? The journeyman quarterback out of Louisville? Sorry.
New York Jets (3-9)
The good news: Victory!!!! No capitals, it’s the Dolphins.
The bad news: The Fish are no longer on the schedule this season.
Outlook: It looks as if they’ve found a pass rush and a decent quarterback. Now, if they could get linebackers, a secondary (outside of Kerry Rhodes), some receivers, and a running game, and better players than the Patriots, they’re golden!
St. Louis Rams (3-9)
The good news: Victory!!!! No capitals, it’s the Falcons. Even if it is three of the last four.
The bad news: Marc Bulger is hurt yet again.
Outlook: Gus Frerotte is doing okay, but seriously, how are they going to get better in the long term if Bulger constantly stays on the disabled list? One of the big questions they have to ask in the offseason.
Northern California (7-17)
The good news: JaMarcus Russell is alive, well, and throws an awesome football.
The bad news: Trent Dilfer is still the 49er quarterback.
Outlook: Maybe, possibly, the Raiders are headed in the right direction with a couple of victories. The 49ers? Uh, not so much. But hey, um….no earthquakes!
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