SportsBlahg

With some 60-80 MLB players appearing on the Mitchell report due out shortly, I have devised a list of some of the players that are unlikely to make this list:

*Rich Garces - Former pitcher, Boston Red Sox: Sure he was big, but more in a fat way than a “juiced” way. In fact I have a feeling the only thing this guy was putting in his body was calories and saturated fat. He’s listed at 6′0 250lbs, but if anyone has seen him you’d know he’s probably closer to 300lbs. His 2002 stats show it all: 7.59 ERA over 21 innings with a fastball that barely topped out at 85 mph. If he’s on the juice, I don’t want to know what he would’ve been like off it.

*David Eckstein - Shortstop St. Louis Cardinals: Seriously, this guy is 5′ 7 and a “hefty” 177lbs. I’m not entirely sure this guy even has muscles, because I don’t think you can grow muscles off of bone. Not to mention he looks like he wears a kids medium sized hat! However, he may be on a different list, if that list was a list of players I think smoke crack.

*Julio Lugo - Shortstop Boston Red Sox: So maybe a trend is starting that shortstops never juice, or maybe it’s just because Rich Garces weighs more than the two SS’s combined. Lugo’s career home run total is 76, which is almost the same as Barry Lamar Bonds had in a single season (and Julio’s been playing for 7 years). Not that Home Run totals are directly correlated to steroids, but I think there is a strong similarity and would be surprised if Julio (who hit below .200 for half the 2007 season) made the Mitchell list. See the statistics slide here for reinforcement of his plate appearances (GB = Ground ball, FB = Fly ball, LD = Line Drive).

*Trevor Hoffman - Closer, San Diego Padres: People might be suspicious since Mr. Hells Bells has been so healthy throughout his career, but the dude throws a fastball about as fast as my sister. When you’re featured pitch is the Changeup, I don’t believe that you have been pumping juice into your behind. I could be wrong, and I’m not disparaging him, because he’s one of the elite closers in the history of baseball, but let’s be serious, his fastest pitch barely has an 8 in the first digit.

*Tim Wakefield - Utility Pitcher, Boston Red Sox: I’m going to use similar theory here to Hoffman. Wakefields fastball I believe has topped out at 79mph. His Knuckleball has been known to hit in the low to mid-60’s on the radar gun. What in the world would he need steroids for? Perhaps to make him angry, but if you’ve ever watched Tim Wakefield play I think you’d be hard pressed to see him even yell at someone. But again, his fastest pitch TOPS OUT at 79mph, I know high schoolers (probably on the roids) who throw faster than that.

*Don Zimmer - Former Bench Coach, New York Yankees: Because if he was, this would not have happened.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 13th, 2007 at 2:16 pm and is filed under Baseball, SportsBlahg Updates. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.